Character development
You are what you repeatedly do
Britannica Dictionary Definition of Character:
Character is an intrinsic part of a person's makeup that consists of beliefs and moral principles that can guide a person's behavior.
It is shaped by life experiences and reveals a person's intrinsic qualities and morals.
Character is different from personality, which is the sum of a person's physical, psychological, emotional, and social aspects that are manifested through behavior and actions.
Both character and personality are expressed physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Lately, I’ve started paying attention to life events through the lens of character development, mainly driven by self awareness around areas of growth.
Character development is really hard. It’s also really fun, when you notice you’re growing. To me, daily life feels much more interesting and engaging when we encounter opportunities that test our character.
It can be equally illuminating, to observe the people around us, living life well, and through their ways, teaching us character development in real time.
A few mantras for character development that are showing up lately:
No pain, no progress.
My ideal self wakes up early every morning, takes her vitamins, and cheerily heads to the gym for a challenging set of exercises before tackling the day’s work. My actual self likes to press snooze; I’m a night owl. But, inspired by a desire to close the gap between my actual and ideal self, I recently got a personal trainer at the gym. Here’s where the character development starts: only through consistent work, and in this case, consistent pain, will I get stronger and build physical endurance. As someone with low physical pain tolerance, this is very hard. It is also very motivating.
An anecdote: A girlfriend and I went to surf camp in the Dominic Republic. We were advised to get up by 6am every morning for breakfast, take two hours of lessons (aka get wiped out repeatedly by waves and getting yelled at by our instructors to paddle harder), we’d head back for lunch, do yoga, head out for an afternoon surf lesson (repeat of futile never ending paddling), eat dinner as a group, sleep early, get up and do it all over again.
By day 3 of this routine, I was achy, tired, and ready to skip the early 6am lesson in favor of a quiet morning reading by the pool. Despite the disappointment of the head instructors, I did just that. My friend though, stayed committed. While I pressed snooze, she popped Advils in the morning to manage the bruising and aches from repeated surf sessions. By the end of our time in the DR, she had migrated to the hard boards, getting up on most waves, while I was in the white waters still. We both had the vacations we wanted, but her growth in just a few days illustrated quite starkly how much pushing through short term pain is important to achieving better results. No pain, no progress.
Boring is good
As a lover of variety, routines can sometimes feel antithetical to embracing the many surprises life has to offer each day. Yet, from build my weeks around the same ritual of making coffee and breakfast daily, blocking the same hours weekly for chores, scheduling catch ups and calls routinely... I have discovered a secret joy to the predictability of knowing and preparing for what is next. It can be boring, but it has also noticeably created fewer hiccups during the week. It helps to see too, just how far boring can take you.
Case in point: My dad picked up marathon running in the last two years. He joined a running group at first for social community and exercise, and then, led by the momentum of this group, set an ambitious goal of running all 6 World Marathon Majors. I thought this goal would take him about the next decade, given he is a full time professional and father and you know, a normal human being. Well, in two years, he’s at 5 of 6. His secret? He created a strict weekly running routine, and predictably, every day after wrapping up his meetings, before dinner time, he goes on a run. Our family house is in Seattle, and the weather is relentlessly bad in the winter times. I’ve seen him run in heavy rain, in complete darkness, in windy storms, and hot humid heatwaves.
To me, his routine has always seemed so boring. But, he just keeps at it, every day. Haruki Murakami, an author I admire, also wrote about his own meditative journey towards long-distance running in his book, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. For him, the act of running also has improved his writing. His ability to endure long runs and his ability to sit with writer’s block, seem extremely linked. Boring is good. Boring works.
No risk, no reward
As an optimist, I used to naively believe (and experience) that with enough effort and determination, one can achieve anything.
The equation was straightforward:
Individual Inputs → Desired Outcomes.
(This worked for many years, through school, jobs, relationships, until it didn’t.)
Now, the equation feels often like:
Individual Inputs + Unforeseen Factors + Blind Spots of Self + Mismatched Efforts vs Ambition → Desired Outcomes OR No Change OR Undesired Outcomes.
Given the second equation, after a fair number of tries, the question becomes: when do you give up and when do you keep trying?
Rejection stings. Failure is terrifying. Yet, many things in life are a numbers game, and logically, we know we should always ‘shoot your shot,’ even if feels scary to take this probabilistic approach in the trickier arenas of life (dream job, romance). Recent encounters in both arenas have really stretched my capacity to be vulnerable to both rejection and failure, at times making me wonder, is this worth it? It’s baby steps to growth, and I still have to remind myself: This is good, because it means I actually care. This is good, because I’m getting closer to what I want. No risk, no reward.
Acceptance
I think a part of determining how high we turn the dial on character development, starts with acceptance:
We might need to accept that we might never close the gap between our actual selves and our ideal selves. (I like my actual self enough to be okay if that gap exists, but I’d like to aspire to try, anyways).
We might need to accept that there is going to be a great deal of pain associated with trying to bridge this gap, especially if these are new habits that take time, consistency, and discipline to develop.
We might need to accept that we are the only ones keeping score. While respect from others is nice, self respect matters more, because only we see the full behind the scenes reels of our every day behaviors.
A recent revelation from chatting with friends: Character development isn’t mandatory! We’ve started recognizing that as adults, we have the autonomy and the agency to choose if, how, and to what degree we want to grow as people. It’s also like, totally okay to just be content with who we are, full stop (what?).
And in case anyone actually made it this far, thanks for reading, hope you’re enjoying your growth journeys, and I like you exactly how you are, full stop. :)