Change, Certainly
“Nothin' really ends For things to stay the same, they have to change again” - American Requiem, Beyonce
Act 1: Responding to Change
A truism: Life is constant change — nothing stays the same forever.
Every day, things happen outside of our control. Some of these events serve as minor disruptions to a well-oiled daily routine — your favorite coffee shop relocates, a new construction project impacts your commute, a yoga instructor you love leaves the studio.
Other events are more jarring; they don’t just disrupt a well-oiled routine, but instead feel like the universe is wrecking havoc like a kid with an Etch A Sketch — a best friend down the block moves to the suburbs; a mentor at work leaves for another opportunity; a family member experiences a bout of serious illness.
Integrating changes into our understanding of ourselves and the world requires a lot of adaptability, a healthy dose of grit, some creative reframing, and maybe a bit of humor. Humans seem to have ample resources to navigate the incoming waves of change. In fact, some of the most celebrated stories in our popular culture are stories of overcoming unexpected setbacks — an unfair arrest in Shawshank Redemption, a plane crash in Castaway, a wrong turn at a train station in Lion, a war breaking up lovers in Casablanca. Across cultures and historic periods, the plot line of this hero’s journey is well worn and well loved.
How do we get better at responding to change, especially that which we did not anticipate? Maybe, we decide quickly to find anchors in the moving river. Essentially: build a fortress of security around you to insure that unexpected storms do not threaten flood your fundamental sense of self and perceived place in the world. For me, it looked like staying in one city, to build one career, with a few core friendships and loved ones. Even the best made plans though, might be thwarted by a shake up — Covid, a war, a recession, and in my case, the discovery of a second act. Etch A Sketch drawings are fragile.
Act 2: Grappling with Stagnation
I was born and raised in Shanghai. Many years later as an adult, I revisited extended family there, hoping to map my blurry memories à la my younger self — the sounds, the smells, the buildings, the people — to present day reality. Except, Shanghai had evolved beyond my rose-colored sketches, into a steely epicenter of modern commerce and foreign trade. It did not matter that I left Shanghai first; the city had not stood still. It’s common to imagine the counterfactuals of our upbringing but rare to have a glimpse of that answer: Even if I had stayed, Shanghai would eventually have become a stranger to me. I likely would have left my hometown anyways.
We choose to stand still, and everything else can still change on a whim! So, we get better at living the plot of ‘individual conquers unexpected setbacks.’ Then we stumble upon a new arc:
What do you do when faced with a long period of comfort, stretching ever closer towards stagnation? Essentially, how do you know you are ready to initiate change?
Here, I’d like to introduce the role of Certainty. Certainty is a trait I admire deeply in others. Certainty, as exhibited by clear thought, sound decision making, and aligned actions, signals confidence in oneself. Certainty is accepting that you can spin your wheels on the shades of gray and not get anywhere, so just choose the most solid dark in your palette, and make a beeline towards Your Goals already.
Certainty found me, recently, but not before Uncertainty hit hard. During the last year of driving into work every morning, while half listening to Ezra Klein or Kara Swisher opine on politics and tech, I heard another voice vying for attention: Can you be content with this life as it is, can you settle into it? Is there something missing, and if so what?
Objectively, everything was going well. I knew I was very lucky to have the life I had, and I was grateful for it. Nothing needs to change, I was certain of it! Well, almost certain of it.
Act 3: Initiating Change
Introducing a new plot line: ‘Protagonist Cautiously Tests Waters by Embracing A Bit of Chaos.’ Oof, what a mouthful.
Riffing on salient pop culture references mapping to this theme, I noted a commonality between the examples I could come up with: more complicated, at time morally ambiguous endings. My examples: Jen leaves her arranged marriage promising of wealth and stability, to test her mettle as a martial arts warrior in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (leading to deadly outcomes for everyone she involves), Elphaba choosing to transcend her experiences of love and friendship in Wicked (leading to the birth of the Wicked Witch of the West), and Jo March trading her beautiful long hair for a male pseudonym in order to be a successful writer in Little Women (which did end happily, although the movie hints that her male publisher only agreed to print the book on account of a conventional ending for her protagonist. Hint: marriage).
Maybe that’s the thing about this plot line — Initiating change also means weighing the risk of stagnation against the risk of landing an outcome that may or may not be better than status quo.
In my case, I didn’t think “almost certain” was a good enough answer to my internal monologue (Queue Belle: ‘there must be more than this provincial life.’) And that’s when it became painfully clear: against my nature of wanting stability and peace, it was time to initiate change.
So, how do you decide what kind of change to initiate?
In working in enterprise software product growth, one becomes accustomed to thinking about what product changes will bring about desired customer outcomes. On growth teams, we come up with strong hypotheses about user behaviors, and design controlled A/B tests with measurable success metrics to determine whether these hypotheses are sound.
Long story short, over the past months, I put on my growth hat on, and tried to get early validation on a few hypotheses, with the goal of potentially improving my personal life. From exploring new cities, to researching grad programs, to reconnecting with friends…It was all experimental, it was not always scientific, and it was all in the name of collecting data points. During this journey, a few interesting feelings made themselves prominent — curiosity, excitement, joy, and yes, a lot of nerves. Certainty showed up last. Hot on its heels, I decided to act.
Act 4: Change, Certainly
Stagnation sticks like molasses, but change melts it quickly. Time is traveling at warp speed right now.
In weeks, I sold my car, gave up my apartment, said hasty goodbyes to friends, and packed up all my hopes and dreams in boxes shipped to New York.
I bid adieu to a very cushy corporate job (a ‘welfare program for surplus elites’ à la the All In podcast), tossed my name in the hat for an MBA, again (old habits die hard), and made a commitment: do I finally have enough security, conviction, and courage to explore an intrinsically motivated career.
My community of familiar faces now looks overwhelmingly different, in this vast concrete jungle where no two days have mapped to a well-oiled routine. Everything is new, and when asked how it’s going, the only suitable reply is that still relevant bit from Taylor Swift, “We’re happy free confused and lonely at the same time…it’s miserable and magical oh yeahhhh.”
Is it mildly shocking to turn back and see everything I have just given up? Yes. Am I cautiously optimistic about what is ahead? Also yes. Is it going better than I expected? I feel so, I hope so, I am unsure, to be determined.
But have no doubt — Change is here, Certainly.